["Where The Devil Don't Stay" by Drive-By Truckers plays]
[fire crackles]
[puffs smoke]
♪ My daddy played poker In the woods they say ♪
- [cranking, buzzing] - ♪ Back in his younger days ♪
♪ Prohibition was the talk But the rich folks walked ♪
- ♪ To the woods where my daddy stayed ♪ - [chains rattle]
- [squealing] - ♪ Jugs and jars from shiners ♪
- ♪ These old boys here ♪ - [menacing laughter]
♪ They ain't miners ♪
- ♪ They came from the twenty-niners ♪ - [whacking]
♪ It didn't take a hole in the ground To put the bottom in their face ♪
[engine revs]
- [tires squealing] - [engine rumbling]
[indistinct rustling]
[male host] Give it up for Robert Kelly!
[cheering and applause]
What's up, fuckers?
[audience whooping]
- How we doing? Good? - [audience whoos] Yeah!
[Robert] This is a young-ass crowd.
Except for you.
[laughter]
Yeah, [laughs] you're... You're old as shit, 'cause... [chuckles]
- [laughter] - 'Cause your hair is feathered.
[audience laughs]
[laughing] What the fuck!
- That's like Charlie's Angels shit. - [laughter]
You should solve a crime down on...
fucking the Strip.
[woman cackles]
- It's fucked up getting old, isn't it? - [chuckling]
- Remember running? [laughs] - [audience laughs]
Remember being able to run?
You know what the fucked-up part is? You... [laughs]
You don't know you can't run until you need to run.
- [laughter] - That's when you find out.
"I don't have this skill-set anymore."
I have a six-year-old, we were at a park, he just ran away.
Just fucking left.
I was like, "Maximus!
[laughter]
Bye.
[continued laughter]
I love you, dude.
I got plantar fasciitis. I can't get you."
[laughing]
[Robert chuckles, cackles]
That's fucked up. The older you get, the less friends you have, too, right?
It winds up being just you and the person you love, that's it.
I mean real love, not, you know, this young people Vegas horseshit.
[laughter]
Fucking, holding onto each other every second of the day, making out,
- banging every night. - [laughing]
Yeah, like this is love. That...
You guys aren't even sitting near each other. There's like a...
- [audience laughing] - It's like a foot and a half apart.
It's like, "You sit over there, I want to enjoy myself.
I don't want to look at your judgmental mug every five..."
[laughing]
Yeah... [chuckles]
It's fucked up, right? [chuckles]
Yeah, you guys... Young people, you're going to fuck tonight.
You know, there's people here...
Yeah, you guys are banging tonight, beer dude.
[laughter]
You're going to go home and [prolonged] fuck...
[audience laughs]
You're going to go back to the hotel, "That was fun!"
- [Robert imitates snoring] - [audience laughs]
But she's not even going to be mad. She's going to be like, "Thank you, Jesus.
- [laughing] - Thank you so much.
Oh, I tuckered him out walking around Fairmont Street
for a fucking hour and a half."
Whatever shit street that is. What is it?
- [man] Freemont! - Freeport. What is it?
- [audience members] Freemont! - Fucking Crack Alley?
[audience laughs and cheers]
You're going to be excited.
He's just sleeping. You're gonna be like, "Thank you... Jesus!
I can rub one out to the fucking Chippendale poster I saw in the elevator."
- [audience laughs] - [Robert imitates orgasmic moan]
You don't have to have him on your torso for four and a half minutes
with his sleep apnea machine in your ear.
- [Robert imitates honking breath] - [laughter]
- [imitates indistinct groaning] - [continued laughter]
Then get a half-wet half-dry towel and clean this fucking savage off.
[laughing]
Yeah, it's fucked up.
Kissing, too, like... [laughs]
Young people love to kiss.
[indistinct moaning]
Just fucking, like...
They suck each other's tongues.
I saw this young couple in an elevator just making out.
Didn't care that we were in the elevator.
Sucking each other like licorice. [puckers]
Then he stuck his finger down her throat.
[laughing]
Right, just stuck it... and she started sucking it
like it was a penis.
If I tried to stick my finger in my wife's mouth,
she'd be like... [imitates choking] "What the...
- What the fuck was that? - [audience laughs]
Are you mad at me?
What the fuck did I do?
[continued laughing]
If you don't want to listen to me, tell me to shut the fuck up. Don't do that.
You scratched your nuts for a half hour on the couch watching the game.
[cackling]
All I taste is mushrooms. I hate mushrooms.
[audience oohs]
Fucking truffle nuts, leave me alone!"
[laughter]
[chuckles] Around 45, you stop kissing.
That's when you're like... [puckering]
[puckering] "Hi. Goodbye."
Yeah, 'cause he has a dead tooth and you don't have dental.
[audience laughs]
"Let's not do that anymore, how's that?"
Even when you're banging, you're like, [puckering] "This is good. You like..."
What'd you have, a Panera salad for lunch? I taste purple onions.
[puckers] Yeah, I think there's one stuck in your dead tooth.
You want to suck it out for me?"
[clicks tongue, spits]
[laughter]
[Robert laughs]
Remember finger-fucking? Remember that? Remember finger-popping?
Remember sticking your fingers in her? Just... [indistinct groan]
[laughter]
That's a young man's game, finger-banging.
That's a young man's game. You can't... [chuckles]
You know what I mean? Like, you can't finger...
I can't finger-bang.
My carpal tunnel would kick in like a minute and a half in.
- [laughing] - [yelling] "Fuck, fuck! Fuck! Fuck!"
She'd have to rub CBD all on my wrist and elbow for fucking...
[laughter]
"This is sexy." [laughs]
You know how mad she'd be on a dinner date?
We get in the car, I'm like, "You like that?"
"No, I don't!
I'm full, asshole.
[audience laughs]
Why would I have to pee now?
- Great, now I have to pee. - [continued laughter]
Yes, I'm mad. We just went to Tony Romo's,
you had the ribs and didn't wash your hands.
Yes, I'm fucking mad.
I don't even eat their ribs. Now the sauce is in my vagina.
[imitates retching] I'm going to throw up.
I'm going to throw up on my vagina. [retches]
I'm going to throw up on my vagina in a Honda CRV.
Thanks for the dream life, fuckface.
[continued laughter]
I got to wash my coochie at a Mobil on the way home
'cause I married a fucking idiot. Pull over.
[yelling] No, a baby wipe's not going to cut it!
- Pull over! You fucking monkey!" - [laughter]
[Robert laughs]
Yeah, young guys love to finger-bang.
Young people finger-fuck outside, they don't give a shit.
Women don't care either, you know,
"There's people, just look normal. Look normal."
[audience laughs]
People calling the cops, "Yeah, there's a young girl
nodding off from heroin in front of the Rio right now."
[uproarious laughter]
[Robert chuckles]
You can't finger-fuck a middle-aged woman. That's...
That's disrespectful. It's just like rude. It's fucking rude.
It's creepy. If I saw you finger-fucking her... [laughs]
outside, I'm like, "Sir, leave her alone. Stop that.
Call 911. Call them now.
- Ma'am, look at me, are you all right? - [laughing]
Is that how you take your medicine?
Is this a good thing or a bad thing? Talk to us.
We're here to help you."
Yeah, it's weird. Sex dies.
And you feel guilty about it, you don't fuck as much.
And you feel guilty.
Women, though I think you're phonies with that shit.
Yeah, because women love...
you know, blaming us, "Why can't we have sex?"
You don't want to fuck either. Stop it.
[laughter]
You know what I mean? Is that your wife right there?
- Is that... your girlfriend? - [man] Girlfriend.
Yeah, your girlfriend. You can tell 'cause you're holding each other.
[laughter]
Did you... You were married, though, right?
Yeah, you dumped her and upped for this one?
- [audience laughs] - Yeah.
What, she have a receding hairline, didn't do it for you anymore?
What happened?
[laughing]
Is this your wife?
- Yeah, how long you been married? - Coming up to 18 years.
Eighteen fucking years, holy shit.
[cheering and applause]
Fucking crazy.
This is why I think women are phony.
Just follow me, before you take away my career on Twitter.
[audience laughs]
How old are you, son?
- [man 2] Twenty-four. - Twenty-four.
Okay, this is fucked up. Listen to me. [laughs]
Look at me. That means,
this man right here,
that woman is the only person to see his dick
in almost your life.
[uproarious laughter]
The last woman to see his dick besides her could be dead
- from natural causes. - [audience laughs]
[puffs into mic] What the fuck?
[applause and laughter]
You don't even remember her, do you?
What was her name, Helga? [stammers] What old fucking broad name...
Olga?
He got a hand job at a fucking apple picking.
[audience laughs]
You remember the last girl to touch your dick besides her, right?
You still talk to her on Facebook, don't you, little motherfucker, right?
- [whooping and laughter] - You know you do.
It's fucked up.
I talk to my wife about that shit.
I've been married a long time.
I was like, "Baby, can I talk to you about something?"
She's like, "What's up?" I'm like, "Is it true...
like, nobody can touch my dick, like, ever again?"
- [laughter] - She's like, "Yeah, that's true."
I'm like, "Not even for, like, April Fool's or something?
[audience laughs]
Like, your friend jerks me off, but you're in the closet.
You're like, 'April Fool's, motherfucker. Not happening!'"
[laughter]
She got mad, she was like, "No, why would you want that?"
I'm like, "You know I'm dirty. I'm perver... I like to fantasize."
She's like, "Well, if you loved me, you'd fantasize about me sexually."
I'm like, "That's not fantasy.
- That's reality. I want to fantasize. - [laughing]
I want a chick with a horn and three tits and a...
a vagina that speaks kind words of wisdom to my penis."
"The walls of lack and delay now crumble away.
Fulfill your destiny, Bobby!
Think outside my box. Ha-ha!"
[audience laughs]
This is what she said, this is why I think you're phonies.
She goes, "I don't fantasize about other people."
I'm like, "You don't fantasize about other men?"
She goes, "No, I fantasize about you sexually because I love you."
I'm like, "When I'm gone,
I'm on the road for five days.
You're home alone.
The kid's asleep, it's like nine o'clock at night.
And you take an hour shower by yourself.
And you come out in just a robe.
You lie in a big king bed, and that robe falls off your titties.
And the ceiling fan hits your nipples like a York Peppermint Pattie.
[audience laughs]
And your nipple becomes a light switch.
[continued laughter]
And then you reach into that drawer on your side of the bed
and pull out that Brookstones foot massager.
[laughing]
That's never seen a foot.
Doesn't even know what feet look like
[cackling]
but somehow changed colors over the last year-and-a-half.
[audience oohs]
And you close your eyes, turn it on, put it on your clitoris.
[imitates vibrating] Now you're fantasizing.
You're naked, with Pegasus wings,
flying through the clouds [whooshes]
and clouds are hitting your coochie.
- [laughter] - 'Oh, my God. Clouds on my coochie.
The clouds on my coochie.'
And then you look, and there's little monkeys with Brad Pitt faces
flying up to lick your coochie.
[tongue trilling]
'Oh my God, pussy-licking monkeys. No, get away!
[tongue trilling]
Never! I love my husband! I'll never let you lick my pussy!'
[audience laughs]
But there's thousands... [trilling]
And they grab you and bite you...
And they rip you to the ground, 'Honey, I tried! There's nothing...'
[continued trilling]
But this does it for you?"
[audience whoos]
She's lying!
She's lying or she's a fucking loser.
[audience and Robert laughing]
If she's masturbating to me,
Like, "Oh, my God, the roll in the back of your neck. Oh, God.
- [continued laughter] - Oh my God.
Oh, and your dead toenail. I can smell it.
- I can smell it. - [audience oohs]
Where is it? Show me. Oh, God, it looks like a corn chip.
I'm going to fucking come right now."
I should dump her. She has no goals in life.
[laughter]
You guys have kids?
- How many kids? - [man] Two.
Two.
That's when sex falls the fuck off.
I have a boy. I have one.
Good-looking, too.
Almost too good-looking.
You know what I mean?
For having a good-looking girl, it's okay.
For a man to have a good-looking boy, it's weird,
'cause my alpha-male friends say inappropriate shit all the time.
I had one of my friends walk up, he was like, "Dude, your kid...
- gorgeous." - [laughter]
I'm like, "Thank you very much, he's a good-looking kid."
He goes, "No, dude, it's gonna rain pussy on this kid."
[audience oohs and laughs]
"That's wildly inappropriate. He's standing right here.
This is... This is his birthday.
- That's his grandmother. That's... - [continued laughter]
That's his grandfather."
Then he goes like this. He goes, "Dude, you better teach him now..."
I'm like, "He's six!" What do I... [laughs]
What do I... What do I teach him? "Son, lick lemons!"
[audience laughs]
"I don't like it."
"Keep licking!"
"Check for change in pay phones."
[continued laughter]
"There's nothing in here, Dad."
"Keep checking, motherfucker!"
[whooping]
Then, when he's 18. "Dad, I'm in the limo, what do I do with her?"
[yelling] "Daniel- san, lick lemons! [tongue trilling]
Check for change!
Sweep the clit!"
Hai!
[laughing]
You...
[audience cheers]
Yeah, it's all done.
Did you see the babies come out?
Yeah. Yeah.
That's when it changes. That's when it kind of dies, right?
[laughter]
Watching a baby come out of a vagina,
that's when a man finally realizes, "Oh, a vagina is a baby door."
That's...
[laughter]
Like a vagina... Her vagina to you is for you to do fun shit with and...
stick stuff in.
- [tongue trilling] - [laughter]
He saw all kinds of stuff. You know what I'm saying?
I remember, I had my baby... Eight weeks after we had the baby,
My wife was like, "We should have sex."
I was like, [stammers] "I'm good."
[audience laughs]
"I'm good for like a year, maybe two years. I'm all right."
She got mad as fuck, too.
She was like, "We're having sex. Get naked right now."
Then we're just lying there naked. I don't know what to do.
- [laughing] - She's like, "Play with my breasts."
I'm like, "There's milk in them. No.
I'm not hungry, first of all.
[continued laughter]
And I don't like the taste of cereal milk, okay?"
[cheering]
That's what it tastes like. You didn't know that, you little fucker, did you?
- [audience laughs] - Like Froot Loops, it's disgusting.
She goes, "Well then go down on me."
I'm like, [laughing] "You're out of your fucking mind!
You're crazy. You're a lunatic. You're nuts!"
She got mad, "Why? Does my vagina disgust you
'cause you saw a child come out of it?"
I was like, "That is the exact sentence I was going to fucking say!
- [uproarious laughter] - Yes! You fucking mental patient. Yes!
I saw a head come out of there eight weeks ago.
And our kid was born with full hair! A full set of hair.
It looked like a little guy working in your vagina.
That fucked me up, I'm sorry.
- I'm not fucking George Clooney. - [continued laughter]
Oh, and you pooed that night. Did you know that?
- I saw two births that night. - [woman cackles]
- A child and a tree trunk... - [audience oohs]
shot out outta your asshole and knocked the clock off the wall.
[yelling] And I'm never gonna forget it!"
I'm Robert Kelly. Thank you so much.
- Have a great night. - [audience cheers]
[applause]
- ["Where The Devil Don't Stay" plays] - ♪ My daddy played poker ♪
♪ In the woods they say Back in his younger days ♪
♪ Prohibition was the talk But the rich folks walked ♪
♪ To the woods where my daddy stayed ♪
♪ Jugs and jars from shiners ♪
♪ These old boys here ♪
♪ They ain't miners ♪
♪ They came from the twenty-niners ♪
♪ It didn't take a hole in the ground ♪
♪ To put the bottom in their face ♪